The Slayers Princess Bride
by Shira
Summary: Ever wonder what it would be like if the Slayers were in the Princess Bride? Well, in case you haven't, I thought of it for you! So now you don't have to burn brain cells worrying about thinking. Just read and review! ^_^
1. Phibby's Sick

_Hiyas! I've had this idea stuck up in the emtpy closet I call my brain for a looong time, and I had to get it out of my system... It'll take a while for me to get it completely finished... And I've been thinking of doing another version of it, too, in Zel/Amelia ^_^ I love Zel/Amelia!! *grin*_

Phibby sat up in bed, coughing. Zelas walked into the room saying, "Phibby, you've got a guest." 

"Zelas!" Phibby groaned. "Can't you tell them I'm sick?" He coughed again to prove his point. 

Walking across the room, Zelas slapped Phibby's shoulder. "If you stopped eating so much candy, you wouldn't get sick! Now lay back down and shut up. It's L-sama." 

Phibby went visibly pale. "Oh, no... What's she going to do to me?" he asked nervously. 

Shrugging, Zelas turned and walked out of the room. Seconds later, L-sama walked in, carrying something in her hands. Phibby sighed when he noticed that the thing was not wriggling or moving or making any noises. 

"Phibby," L-sama said after she had sat down. "You got sick again. It's your own fault. And now you will have to be punished for getting yourself sick." 

Coughing again, Phibby asked, "What're you going to do to me _this_ time?" 

Grinning, L-sama replied, "I'm going to read to you." 

Phibby gasped. "L-sama, please don't! You know I hate it!" he shouted, then broke off, coughing. 

"That's the reason I'm doing it," L-sama told him. "Now lay back down or you'll never get better! Now shut up and listen to the story." 

Laying back down, Phibby asked, "What's it called?" 

"The Slayers Princess Bride," L-sama said, opening the book. "_Once upon a time, there lived a girl who lived on a farm. Her name was Lina. She loved blowing things up, and tormenting the poor farm boy who worked there. His name was Gourry, but she never called him that._ Isn't that a good beginning?" 

"Yeah, great," Phibby said unenthusiastically. 

After slapping Phibby's shoulder, L-sama continued. "_Everyday, Lina would demand something of him. "Hey, jellyfish!" she would call. "Polish my sword for me! I want to see my face shining in it by morning." _

_"Whatever you say," he would reply._

_"Whatever you say" was all the farm boy ever said. One day, Lina was amazed to discover that when he said "Whatever you say," what he really meant was, "I love you."_" 

Phibby groaned again. 

_"She was even more amazed to discover that she truly loved him back. Gourry didn't have enough money for marriage, so he decided to travel around the world to seek his fortune. This was a very emotional time for Lina."_

"Greeaat..." Phibby muttered. 

L-sama glared at him. "I said shut up," she warned him. _"But Gourry never made it to his fortune. His ship was attacked by the Dred Pirate Rodimus, who never left anyone surviving."_

Phibby perked up at that. "I think I like this Dred Pirate guy," he said, smiling. 

_"Lina was heartbroken. She neither ate nor slept for days. Five years later, the Prince was to announce his bride to be..."_


	2. The War Begins

_*grin* Poor Phibby! He got sick! Phibby's a shmork, did you know that? ^_^ But don't tell him that, or he gets mad. Anyway, tell me what you think... Is it wacked up yet? It will be! Just wait! *grin* _

"My people!" Prince Zolf called out from his balcony. He looked down at the assemblage of people gathered to hear him speak. "In five days hence shall mark the five hundredth anniversary of our kingdom! On that sundown, I shall marry a woman who was once a commoner like yourselves. Would you like to meet her?" 

The crowd murmured among themselves for a moment, debating whether they wanted to see her or not, before they all rose up in a cry of, "NO!!!!!" 

Prince Zolf frowned. "Too bad! I present to you-- Princess Lina!" He gestured with a hand over to a door leading into the crowd. 

The door opened slowly, revealing a long red carpet. Down this carpet came walking a young redhead blushing furiously. She was wearing a long peach-colored dress with the straps down on her arms, leaving her shoulders bare. When she reached the edge of the carpet, she looked up at the prince, and shouted, "What was that about me being common?" 

"Um..." 

"I'm not common!" Lina shouted. "Since when have I been a commoner??" 

Prince Zolf cleared his throat nervously. "Um... change the scene, please!" 

_"Though the laws of the land gave Prince Zolf the right to marry anyone he wished, Lina did not love him. The only pleasure she found was in going out and blowing up bandit gangs, which greatly relieved her stress."_

Lina rode her horse across the field, ready to chase after a nearby bandit gang. She reined her stallion in when she saw three strange people standing in her way. One man was shorter than the others, and wore a long black cloak the hood was down, revealing a head completely bald on top, with a ring of hair around it. 

The second man was taller, and a little scary. His skin was blue, and his hair was purple. He had rocks all over his face and hands, and had a cold glare in his eyes. He wore all beige, and had a sword buckled around his hip. 

The last man was giant-sized. He looked very gruff, with a beard and mustache, sideburns, and a full head of hair. His eyebrows were furrowed and he was frowning. He was head and shoulders taller than any other person Lina had ever seen. He didn't wear a sword, but he looked as if he didn't need it. 

"Ith there a village nearby?" the first man asked with a huge lisp. 

Shaking her head, Lina replied, "No. Not for miles." 

"Good," the man said, grinning. "Then there shall be no one to hear you thcream." 

Before Lina could reply, the giant came up behind her, grabbing her neck. He hit a pressure point, and she was unconscious in moments. The giant lifted her off her horse, and carried her over to a boat at the dock. 

The bald man started ripping a crest off of a red uniform. The giant asked him, "What's that you are ripping, Vrumagun?" 

"Thith ith the cretht of a tholdier of Thairaag, thworn enemy of Theyruun," Vrumagun answered. He finished ripping the crest, and stuck it onto the saddle of Lina's horse. "When the printh theeth thith cretht on the thaddle, he will thuthpect Thairaag. When he findth the printheth dead on the Thairaag frontier, hith thuthpicionth will be confirmed." 

Frowning, the giant said, "You never mentioned killing anyone. I don't like it!" 

"Too bad, Phil!" Vrumagun called. "Deal with it!" Then he followed Phil onto the ship, the scary-looking man right behind him. 

"I just don't think it's right... Killing an innocent girl," Phil said, shaking his head and setting Lina down on the deck of the ship. 

Glaring at Phil, Vrumagun said, "The wathn't innothent! And... Have I gone mad, or did the word "think" ethcape your lipth? You were not hired for your brainth! We're trying to thart a war, here! Do you want me to thend you back where I found you, enemployed in Thephilia?" He rounded on the scary-looking man, even though he hadn't said anything yet. "And you, Thel!" he said, pointing. "When I found you, you were wallowed tho deep in your own mithery you couldn't even thpeak!" 

"Don't get the wrong impression," Zel said, crossing his arms. "I'm only working for you so I can get money to buy a cure. I have no concern about this war, one way or the other." 

Glaring again, Vrumagun said, "Bah!" He threw his arms up, and stomped across the deck. 

Phil and Zel set to work starting the ship going. "Don't worry about Vrumagun," Zel said as he worked the rudder. "I'm sure he means no harm." 

Grinning, Phil said, "He's sure at a lack of... charm!" He smiled at catching onto one of his favorite games. He and Zel always played word games. 

Continuing the game, Zel said, "He should go to etiquette class." 

"He's really a pain in the--" 

"Thut up!" Vrumagun interrupted. "Conthentrate on driving the boat!" 

Zel shrugged, and went back to work, as did Phil. Phil used his strength to his aide in pulling the rigging tight to open the sail. "Hey, Phil," Zel called from the stern of the boat. "Are there rocks ahead?" 

"If there all, we'll all be dead!" Phil replied, not wanting to stop the game. 

"No more rhymth now, I mean it!" Vrumagun shouted angrily. 

Not one to give up easily, Phil said, "Anybody want a peanut?" 

"AAA!" Vrumagun screamed, irritated. 

Seeing as Phil couldn't think of a rhyme for that one, he shrugged, and pulled the rigging taut. The small ship sailed slowly away from the shore of Seyruun, sailing into the setting sun. 


	3. We're Being Followed

_Tee hee! I'm uploading again! You have to tell me what you think of the thingies that replace the shrieking eels... I was completely bored when I thought of that part ^_^ _

Later that night, Vrumagun could be seen at the bow of the ship, lounging with his arms ofer the sides. Phil was at the sail, keeping the rigging taut to catch the wind. Lina was sitting against the port side of the ship, grumbling. Zel was at the stern with the rudder, and looked back out across the water nervously every so often. 

"Why do you keep doing that?" Vrumagun asked after a few moments. 

Shrugging, Zel replied, "Just making sure no one's following us." Then he turned and looked across the water again. 

Irritated, Vrumagun said, "Thtop doing that! No one in Thairaag knowth what we've done, and no one in Theyruun could have gotten here tho fatht!" He paused for a moment, then said, "Jutht curiouth, why do you thay that?" 

Again, Zel shrugged, and answered, "Maybe I looked out and saw someone there?" 

"What??" Vrumagun and Phil both ran to the stern, and looked across the water with Zel. They were in disbelief. 

Searching for some sort of explaination, Vrumagun said half-heartedly, "Probably thome local fisherman out for a midnight cruithe in Naga-infethted waterth." 

Before another word was spoken, there was a splash from behind them. They all turned around, only to find Lina gone. Vrumagun led the way over to the port side of the ship, and they all saw Lina swimming away. 

"Go in after her!" Vrumagun shouted angrily at Zel. 

One eyebrow arched, Zel looked at him oddly. "I sink," he said slowly and evenly. 

"BAH!" Vrumagun turned to Phil questioningly. 

Phil shrugged, and said, "I only dog-paddle." 

Frowning, Vrumagun shouted, "Veer left! Left!" 

Zel hurried to the back of the ship, and grabbed the rudder. Vrumagun leaned over the side of the ship and watched Lina. 

From the darkness, everyone heard a strange sound. It was like a scary laugh, and it echoed through the water creepily. Lina stopped her swimming, and looked around her, trying to find what was making the noise. 

"You know what that thound ith, highneth?" Vrumagun asked, leaning over the side of the boat. "Thothe are the laughing Nagath. Don't believe me?" he asked when Lina seemed doubtful. "Jutht wait.Their laughing alwayth geth louder when they're about to feed on human flesh." 

Behind her, Lina heard a perticularly loud laugh. She turned around quickly in the water, and found herself staring into the face of a Naga serpent. The Naga was charging at her top-speed, her mouth wide open, long fangs glistening in the pale light from a lantern on the boat. The Naga's head reared back, ready for the strike... 


	4. No Worries

_Laughing Naga Serpents! hee hee! And gasp and horror, is Lina going to get eaten by a Naga Serpent? BTW, right up front, this is a short chapter... really short... _

"She doesn't get eaten," L-sama said. 

Phibby sat up with a start. "Huh?" 

"She doesn't get eaten," L-sama repeated. "I'm telling you because you looked a little apprehensive. Well, now you're going to get disappointed. She doesn't get eaten." 

Slumping back into his pillows. Phibby crossed his arms. "That's no fun," he grumbled. 

L-sama slapped his shoulder, and went back to reading. "From the darkness, everyone heard a strange sound. It was--" 

"You read that already," Phibby interrupted. 

L-sama stopped, and glared at Phibby. "Don't correct me!" she snapped. "The Naga was charging at her top-speed, her mouth wide open, long fangs glistening in the pale light from a lantern on the boat. The Naga's head reared back, ready for the strike..." 


	5. The Cliffs of Craziness

_Poor Phibby! Hehee! He wanted Lina to get eaten! Anyways, read on, people! And just a hint: Reviews make people happy. Happy people write more ficcies. Ficcies make people happy. Happy people review. Reviews make people happy. Happy people write more ficcies. Ficcies make people happy. Happy people review. Reviews make people happy... _

"Fireball!" Lina shouted. The spell went straight into the Naga's face, blowing it up. Then she started swimming away again. 

But now the ship was close enough for Phil to reach over, and he grabbed the collar of Lina's shirt, hauling her up into the boat. She was tossed unceremoniously onto the deck, and Phil set about tying her hands up. 

"I wouldn't try that again, Printheth," Vrumagun said, squatting next to her. 

Lina glared at him, and said, "Shut up you stupid, lisped, crazy, bald, fat, third-rate sorcerer!" 

Frowning, Vrumagun gagged her, and stood up again. 

Zel, back by the rudder, said, "He's gaining on us!" 

Phil and Vrumagun ran to the stern, and looked out. "Incontheivable!" Vrumagun shouted. 

"I wonder if he's using the same wind we are," Zel said thoughtfully. 

"It doethn't matter," Vrumagun said. He turned and pointed. "He'th too late! Look! The Cliffth of Crazineth!" 

Everyone looked up, and saw the huge, completely vertical cliffs rising up on all sides around them. Zel steered the boat up next to the cliffs, and everyone disembarked, Lina being carried by Phil completely against her will. 

When they reached the cliff, Vrumagun, "Only we can go up our way. He'll have to thail around for hourth looking for a harbor." 

They all faced the straight edge of the cliff. Hanging from the very top, and dropping to the ground was a long rope, but they ignored it. Zel and Vrumagun eached held one of Phil's arms, and Zel grabbed Lina's wrist with his other hand. 

Together, Zel and Vrumagun said, "Ray Wing!" The four of them floated up the cliff easily. Zel happened to look down once, and stared. "He's climbing up after us!" he said incredulously. 

Indeed, a man dressed all in blue had started climbing the rope. He was going very fast, too. 

Vrumagun looked down as well, and shouted, "Incontheivable!" He looked up, and said, "We're almotht there! Hurry up!" 

When they all reached the top of the cliff, Phil threw Lina over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. She kicked at him, but it didn't do much. Vrumagun ran over to a large boulder, and started sawing through the rope with a dagger. He wasn't making much progress. Sighing, Zel walked over there, and cast a Flare Arrow. The rope broke in seconds, and disappeared over the edge of the cliff. 

The three men walked over to the edge of the cliff, expecting to see a splotch on the rock that might possibly have been a person. What they saw instead was the man in blue grabbing onto an outcropping with both hands. The man in blue looked up at them, his expression blaming them for his current position. When he looked up, everyone saw that he was wearing a mask the same color blue as the rest of his outfit. Without a word, the man in blue reached up, found a hand hold, and pulled himself up. 

"He's climbing!" Phil pointed out. 

Vrumagun shook his head. "Incontheivable!" he shouted. 

Zel rolled his eyes, and said to Vrumagun, "That word doesn't mean what you think it does." 

Ignoring him, Vrumagun turned away from the cliff. "You," he said to Phil. "Bring the printheth. And you," he said to Zel. "I don't want him alive. If he fallth, good, if not, uthe the thword." 

"I'm not going to use my enchanted blade," Zel said. "It would be unfair." 

Throwing his arms up in exaperation, Vrumagun said, "Have it your way! Catch up with uth when he'th dead!" Then he ran off, away from the cliff, Phil carrying Lina following right behind him. 


	6. Battling Blades

_AN: OMG! I'm so sorry it's taken so long for me to update! I'm sorrryyyyyy! But school's been taking over everything, and I got so bored sometimes that I didn't want to type, and... Oh, nevermind... Enjoy the new chapter! ^_^_

.~*~. 

Zel stared after them for a second, before he faced the edge of the cliff again. He got as close to the edge as he dared, and looked down at the man in blue climbing up. The man was making good progress for his predicament, but his going was extremely slow. 

Standing up straight, Zelgadis started pacing impatiently. He crossed his arms as he walked. Each time he passed the edge of the cliff, he noticed that the man in blue had gone a little further, but not much. 

Finally, Zel sighed, and looked over the edge. He called out to the man in blue. "Hey, could you hurry it up down there?" As soon as the job was finished, with the princess dead, then he would get his money and see if he could buy a cure somewhere. 

The man in blue stared at him like he was crazy. "This isn't very easy, you know!" he shouted back. "If you want me up there so fast, could you help?" 

Zel shrugged, and said, "I could help, but I'm not sure you'd accept it, seeing as I'm only waiting around to kill you." 

"It doesn't matter," the man in blue said. "Just get me up there!" 

Again, Zel shrugged, and he called out, "Ray Wing!" The spell bubble surrounded the man in blue, and carried him up and onto solid ground. As soon as the man in blue's feet touched the ground, the bubble disappeared. 

Right away, the man in blue reached for his sword, but Zel held up his hand to stop him. "Wait until you're ready," he said. "I want a fair fight." 

The man in blue said, "Thanks," and sat down on a wide rock. He pulled off one of his boots, and turned it upside down. Several good-sized stones fell out of it. 

"I don't mean to intrude," Zel said after a moment. "But you wouldn't happen to be a six-fingered man with five fingers, now would you?" 

The man in blue shook his head, and, after replacing his boot, waggled his gloved fingers to prove it. "Um... Do you always ask strangers that?" 

Zel shook his head. "No... It's just... My parents were killed by a six-fingered man with five fingers. I wasn't strong enough to protect them. I swore I would kill him, but I never found out who he was. All I remember about him was that he was six-fingered and had five fingers." 

"How old were you then?" the man in blue asked, honestly sincere. 

Shrugging indifferently, Zel said, "Twelve." He continued on as if the man in blue had never asked his question. "After that, I took up tutalege with my grandfather and his assistants. I devoted most of my life to sword fighting and spells.So when I meet the six-fingered man with five fingers again, I will not fail." 

The man in blue stared up at him, truly awed. 

"When I see the six-fingered man with five fingers again, I will walk up to him, and say, 'Hello. I'm strong enough to kill you now. You will die.'" Zel finished. 

"Wow," the man in blue said, his mouth slightly open in amazement. "You haven't done anything except study sword fighting and magic for years?" At Zel's nod, the man in blue said, "You need a hobby!" 

Zel sweatdropped, and said, exasperatedly, "Are you ready to fight yet?" 

The man in blue smiled, and said, "Yeah, I guess." He stood up, and drew his sword. Zel did likewise. They faced each other for a moment. 

"You seem a fine, if dense, man," Zel said. "I hate to kill you." 

Grinning determinedly, the man in blue answered, "You seem like a nice guy. I hate to die." 

Zel stared at the man in blue, wondering if he knew what he had just said. Then he shrugged, and lunged forward with his sword. The man in blue spun out of the way, and Zel noticed for the first time that the man in blue had long blonde hair, and he had pulled it back into a tight braided ponytail. After the man in blue had regained his footing, they faced each other squarely. 

The man in blue darted in with his sword, but Zel easily parried it. Then Zel took his turn, and his blade was turned aside as well. "You're pretty good," Zel admitted, bringing his sword down in an overhand swing. 

"You too," the man in blue responded, easily parrying Zel's attack. 

As if that was a prompting, the battle broke out much more furiously. They darted in and out, back and forth, feinting, dodging, parrying, none of them hitting the other. The battle took them everywhere. Up a set of crumbling stairs left over from whatever building had stood there ages ago, across loose stones where they were hard put to keep their balance. At one point, they had to leap off a five-foot drop to continue their roving fight. 

Eventually, they ended up back at the cliff edge. Zel was just about to be forced off the edge. His heels were touching empty air. He roughly shoved the man in blue back, and regained his footing. "I'll have to admit," he said, breathing heavily. "You are better than I am." 

"Then why are you smiling?" the man in blue asked curiously, forcing Zel back again. 

Zel ducked, and rolled under the man in blue's horizontally swinging blade, aimed to slice across his chest. He stopped on one knee and jumped back to his feet before the man in blue could take advantage of his situation. "Because," Zel said. Then he held his sword level in front of his face, and shouted, "Astral Vine!" His sword's blade started glowing bright red with the effect of the spell. 

The man in blue stared for a second in awe. Zel took advantage of that, and flew in, aiming his blade for the man in blue's sword. The man in blue reacted, but not quick enough. Zel's sword came in contact with his, and hacked off the top four inches of his blade. 

Staring in shock at his sword, the man in blue was unaware of Zel's next move. He looked up just in time to see the sword aimed at him again. He quickly dodged out of the way, and reversed his grip on the hilt of his sword. 

Zel watched, confused. What good would it do him to hold his blade upside down? 

The man in blue took something from his pocket. It was a thin metal rod. Again, Zel could only stare. The man in blue poked the metal rod at the hilt of his sword, and the blade dropped out. Zel started. Did the man in blue carry an extra blade with him in case this happened? 

Grinning, the man in blue looked Zel directly in the eye. Then he shouted, "Light, come forth!" A blade of bright white light emerged from the hilt, glowing intensely even in the early afternoon sun. 

"The Sword of Light...?" Zel asked in disbelief. Before he could register any more, the man in blue came in quick and high. Zel regained his composure swiftly enough to block the sudden attack. There was a flash of light when the two magical swords came in contact, but even that could not distract them enough to put a pause to their fight. 

If the battle before was furious, this one was even more so. Their movements were lightning quick, and if any spectators watched, they wouldn't see moving blades, just flashes of red and white light. 

With one vicious attack, Gourry managed to knock Zel's sword out of his hand. The sword landed tip-first in the dirt on a level at least ten feet below them. Zel looked over his shoulder at where his sword was. There were two thick stone pillars in front of it and to either side, with a wide metal rod stretched between them. Another remnant of the building that once existed there. 

Calculating his chances quickly, Zelgadis decided to try it, because he couldn't last long in a fight without a sword. And using magic wouldn't be right in a sword battle. So, taking a deep breath, he turned around quickly, and jumped. He grabbed the metal rod in his hands, and used his momentum to drop himself right next to his sword. He scrambled over there, and grabbed his sword, looking up at the man in blue to see how he would react. 

The man in blue grinned. Then he deliberately threw his sword so it landed in the ground near to where Zel was standing. Zel stared up at him incredulously, wondering what he would do next. The man in blue rubbed his hands together in preperation, and leaped at the metal rod, his arms outstretched. Zel expected him to do much the same that himself had just done, and land next to his sword. But he was wrong. 

The man in blue must have miscalculated, because he fell just short of the rod, and landed flat on his face in the dirt. Zel blinked and stared while the man in blue groaned and stood back up, spitting dirt out of his mouth. 

After laughing nervously for a bit, the man in blue ran forward and grabbed the hilt of his sword, resuming the attack. 

The man in blue was relentless. He didn't give up, and kept chargin forward like a bull in a rage. Zel couldn't keep up. While he was getting tired, the man in blue didn't seem to be any worse for the wear. Zel struggled to turn aside the man's attacks, purely on the defensive now. He had to use both hands to lift his sword anymore. Sweat beaded on his forehead. 

The man in blue just grinned, and continued to attack almost lazily. Finally tired of playing around, the man in blue spun his sword around deftly, and lopped off the top three-quarters of Zel's sword. 

Zel knew he was finished. He stared ahead determinedly, looking right into the man in blue's eyes. "Who are you?" Zel demanded, amazed that there was a better swordsman than he out there. 

Shrugging, the man in blue said, "I can't tell." 

"I must know," Zel insisted. 

"Sorry," the man in blue said. 

Zel nodded, and said, "Fine. End it quickly." He knew that the Sword of Light which the man in blue weilded could cut through his stone skin as if it were butter. 

"That's mot my style," the man in blue said, walking around behind Zel. "But," he said. "As I can't have you following me, either..." He let his sentence fade away as he lifted his sword-weilding hand, and brought the hilt sharply down on the back of Zel's head. 

Zel was astounded at the man in blue's strength, for he was out like a light almost instantly. No man with normal strength could have done that to him, being made of stone and all. 

The man in blue sheathed his sword, and turned Zel over onto his back. He patted Zel's shoulder, and said again, "Sorry." Then he quickly ran away from the battlefield, jumping over rocks and crevices, eagerly chasing after Phil, Vrumagun, and Lina. 


	7. There was a Mighty Battle

_AN: Okay! I got a review asking why Zel didn't change to using magic during the sword fight? It's because duels are kind of special... It's man against man, sword against sword, skill against skill. It wouldn't be right if Zel changed that balance by using his magic, okay? Just so we have a little bit of mutual understanding there... OKAY! Anyway, here's more of the story! And thank you everyone for the reviews! ^_^ Oh, and I got another review asking if I watched the movie while typing this? And to answer you, No, I didn't! I just wrote this from memory, though I do have a list somewhere of who all the characters are... ^_^_

Vrumagun, Lina, and Phil were all staring into a scrying mirror, which showed the battle between Zel and the man in blue. When the man in blue struck Zel down and ran off, Vrumagun exploded. "Incontheivable!" he shouted. He stood up and threw the mirror as far as he could taking his anger out on it. He grabbed Lina's hand, and started running. "Wait here," he said as he ran, talking to Phil. "When he cometh, you finish him your way." 

"Thanks, Vrumagun!" Phil beamed. "Uh, what's my way?" 

Sighing, Vrumagun said, "Hide behind a boulder. The moment hith head cometh into view, _hit it with a rock_!" With that he ran off, dragging a still bound and gagged Lina behind him. Anyone could tell that Lina was furious at not being able to use magic to get herself out of her sticky situation. Curiosity raged inside her. She was dying to know who this man in blue was. 

But with Phil throwing a rock at his head, it didn't seem likely that anyone would see him alive again. 

.~*~. 

"There was a mighty battle," Prince Zolf said, carefully placing his feet on the footprints already there. "It raged all over," he said, following the footsteps across the ruins. "Both were expert swordsman." He looked down, and saw where both sets of prints led. "The loser went off that way," he said, pointing. "While the victor went there." He pointed again, towards a field of rocks. 

"Should we follow them both?" Count Zangulus asked from atop his horse. 

Prince Zolf shook his head, and leapt into the saddle of his mount. "No," he said. "We have no need for losers. It's the winner we're after. And if any harm has come to Princess Lina, someone will pay dearly." 

On that word, Prince Zolf spurred his horse, his guards and Count Zangulus close behind him. 


	8. Someone has Beaten a Giant

_OKAY! More of... **The Slayers Princess Bride**!! YAY!!!!! Okay, ummm... *big grin* If you remember the movie, people? Well, the man in black has to challenge Viccini to a battle of wits... Gourry... battling for Lina's life... depending on his smarts... Poor Lina... _

The man in blue ran through the field of rocks, jumping over the smaller rocks, and going around the larger boulders. Suddenly, he ducked, and just in time. A huge rock, bigger than his head, just hit the side of a boulder where his head had just been. He stood up, and spun quickly, facing where the rock came from. His hand gripped the hilt of his sword tightly. 

From behind another of the large boulders came Phil, the giant. "You made me miss," he said. He bent down and picked up another rock. "But that's okay. I don't like to do it that way. Let's both drop our weapons and settle this, man to man." 

Slowly, the man in blue said, a tad confused, "You mean... I put down my sword, you put down your rock, and we fight each other like that?" 

"I could kill you now," Phil said, holding up his rock again. 

The man in blue put his sword on the ground, and said, "All right. But I think you have an upper hand in this battle." Then the man in blue charged forward, and grabbed Phil around the waist. He tried to lift him-- throw him-- topple him-- something, but he couldn't the giant was too heavy. "Why aren't you doing anything?" he demanded after a moment of trying to move the troll-sized Phil. 

Shrugging, Phil said, "I just want you to feel like you're doing well. That's so important in you young folk these days." Then he reached down and grabbed at the man in blue. 

But the man in blue was faster. He ducked under Phil's massive arms, and rolled between his legs, before coming up to a crouch behind the giant. 

"You're quick," Phil mentioned. 

The man in blue shrugged, and said, "I still think physical fighting is more your thing." 

"It's not my fault," Phil said. He turned around, only to find the man in blue gone again. The man in blue, standing behind him again, took a huge leap, and grabbed Phil around the neck with both arms. Phil reached up and caught the man in blue's arms to keep him from strangling him. "Not my fault I'm bigger and stronger," Phil said. He manuvered so his back was to a boulder, and shoved backwards, crushing the man in blue between himself and the rock. 

The man in blue groaned, but didn't loosen his hold. 

"You're determined, aren't you?" Phil asked, shoving against the rock a few more times. 

Again, the man in blue didn't respond, concentrating on keeping a hold of the giant's neck. 

Phil continued on. "You know, it's different fighting just one person," he said, before he crushed the man in blue against the rock again. 

"Really? How?" the man in blue asked curiously. 

"Well," Phil said. "With lots of men surrounding me, I just swing and I end up hitting someone. But you dodge out of the way." He slowly walked away from the rock. The man in blue's grip tightened, and Phil found it harder to breathe. "You see... It's harder for me... Because... You're... faster..." These last words were dragged out, from Phil's leack of breathe, and the effort he was exerting to try and stay conscious. Slowly, he fell to the ground, not having enough breathe to stay conscious. 

The man in blue waited a moment, then rolled off of Phil's back. With great effort, he managed to roll Phil onto his back. He checked for a second to see if he was breathing. The man in blue shrugged, not being able to tell, really, and stood up. He grabbed his sword, put it away in it's scabbard, and ran off, following the path Vrumagun and Lina took. 

.~*~. 

"Someone has beaten a giant," Prince Zolf said, looking around the rocky field. "We must move quickly." With very little effort, he leapt back on his horse, and led the party off after the footprints leading away. 


	9. The Battle of Wits

_HEYAS!!! Umm... Um dee dum dee doo... La dee da de daa daaaaa! Ummm... Hi! Uh... Yeah... More of the story... Enjoy! ^_^_

The man in blue ran around a corner, and stopped in surprise. Vrumagun was sitting at a small round table with a nice white lace table cloth on it. Bread and wine were set out, along with two crystal goblets. Lina was bound, gagged, and blindfolded, sitting very angrily next to Vrumagun, who was holding a dagger to her neck. 

"Come any clother," Vrumagun said. "And the printheth dieth." 

Slowly, the man in blue took another step. "Can't we talk about this?" 

"You're killing her," Vrumagun warned him, bringing the dagger so it was almost cutting Lina. Lina stiffened, and shouted, "You idoit, stop walking!" Although, with her gagged, it sounded more like, "Mmph mphmph, mmmph mmphmpphh!" 

The man in blue came to a halt, and said, "Can't we talk?" 

"I have no reathon to talk with you," Vrumagun said. "You wouldn't underthtand half the thingth I thay! I am too thmart for you to comprehend. Have you ever heard of Arithotle? Thocreteth? Plato?" 

"Uh... Play-doh?" the man in blue mused. 

Vrumagun shook his head. "All moronth." 

"Really?" the man in blue asked. Vrumagun nodded. "Well in that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits." 

"Mmph, mmmph," Lina said through her gag. Though, she might have meant, "Oh, great!" 

One eyebrow arched, Vrumagun asked, "For the printheth?" The man in blue nodded, with some strange violin sound to go with it in the background. "Do the death?" Again, the man in blue nodded, the background violin a half octave lower. "I acthept," Vrumagun declared, putting his dagger away. 

The man in blue walked forward, and sat across from Vrumagun. He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a little glass vial full of some strange clear liquid. "Smell this," the man in blue said, holding it out to Vrumagun. 

Vrumagun took a deep sniff, and said, "I thmell nothing." 

"What you don't smell is a really really powerful poison by the name of... of..." the man in blue scratched his head. "Well, it's really powerful stuff!" he concluded at last. 

The bald-headed, lispy Vrumagun nodded. 

The man in blue reached forward, and grabbed one of the glass goblets, filled halfway with wine. Then he took the other, also half full. He turned around, and used his body to hide what he was doing. When he turned back, he threw the vial over one shoulder, and placed the wine glasses back on the table, one in front of Vrumagun, and one in front of himself. "Now we both drink," the man in blue said, gesturing to the table. "Then we find out which one of us is right, and which one is dead." 

Vrumagun stared at him for a second before he burst out laughing. "You exthpect me to fall for a trick like thith? All I have to do ith take what I know of you, and what you know of me! Are you the thort of perthon who would put the cup ath far away from him ath pothible? Or are you the type that would put the cup in front of yourthelf, thinking that only a great fool would take the wine he wath given, tho I cannot chothe the wine in front of you," he said, as if it explained everything. 

"Umm..." the man in blue said, scratching his head. "Uh, okay?" 

Oddly, Vrumagun continued as if he had never stopped. "You have beaten my giant, which meanth you are incredibly thtrong. You may have counted on your thtrength to thave you, meaning I cannot chothe the wine in front of you. But you have altho beaten my chimera, meaning you are thilled with a thword. And every thwordthman knowth that man ith mortal, and you would want the glath ath far away from you ath pothible, tho I can clearly not chothe the wine in front of me." 

After scratching his head some more, the man in blue said, "I think you're stalling." 

"No!" Vrumagun shouted. "Jutht wait till I get thtarted! Everyone knowth that thith type of poithon cometh from Atlath Thity, and Atlath Thitianth are known for not truthting people, ath you do not trutht me, tho I can clearly not chothe the wine in front of you." 

"Can you hurry up please?" the man in blue asked in a whiny voice. 

Vrumagun waved a hand around, and said, "In a moment. Where wath I?" 

The man in blue shrugged, not having paid attention to Vrumagun's speech after the first few sentences. 

"Oh, well!" Vrumagun said. "I have made my dethithion. I chothe-- What in the world could that be?" He pointed over the man in blue's shoulder, gasping. 

The man in blue spun around quickly. He stared, and said, "Wow! I don't know what that is... It _looks_ like a tree, but..." 

Vrumagun rolled his eyes, and quickly switched the glasses on the table. Then he frowned and looked over at the tree the man in blue was staring intently at. "Nevermind... I gueth it'th jutht a tree. Well, thall we drink? Me from my glath, and you from yourth." 

The man in blue turned in his chair, and picked up his glass goblet. Vrumagun did the same. They toasted each other, their glasses chinking quietly, before they both took a sip. They set their glasses down again, and the man in blue said, "You guessed wrong... I think..." 

"You only think I guethed wrong!" Vrumagun shouted, roaring with laughter. "You fell for one of the clathic blunderth! The motht famouth ith never get in a land war in the Old World. But only leth famouth ith thith: Never challenge a Theyruunian when _death_ ith on the line!" Then he burst out laughing hysterically. Suddenly, he stopped mid-laugh. He stared straight ahead for a moment, before he toppled off his chair and landed on the grass. 

The man in blue shrugged, and walked over to where Lina was still tied up. He untied the blindfold and the gag quickly, and started working on untying her hands. 

"You're an idiot!" Lina shouted. "You nearly got me killed!" 

The man in blue didn't say anything, but he grabbed Lina's wrist, and ran off with her. 


	10. The Dred Pirate Rodimus

_HEYLAS!!!! Sorry I haven't updated in half of forever, but you know how things can get... Ficcies, web pages, homework, books, new DVDs that I had to watch... Stuff happens! BUT! To make up for it, I have a lot for you, okay? OKAY! ^_^ _

"She's alive," Prince Zolf said, kneeling on the ground to check footprints. "Or was, an hour ago. If she is otherwise when we find here, there will be some neck wringing." He stood up, and walked over to the table, stepping over the dead body of Vrumagun. He picked up a small glass vial, and sniffed. He didn't smell anything. "Poison," he informed the others. "Really powerful, too. I'd bet my life on it." He threw the vial down, breaking it, and leaped on his horse again. "After them," he shouted, and spurred his horse into motion. His vanguard of guards (and Count Zangulus) followed him. 

.~*~. 

The man in blue stopped for a moment to rest. He put his hands on his knees, bent double while he caught his long lost breath. 

"Just curious," Lina asked from her position of leaning against a rock. "How did you win against that guy?" 

Slowly, the man in blue stood straight, and turned to face her. "I forgot which glass I put the poison in," he said with a shrug. 

"You idiot!" Lina screamed. "I know who you are! Your stupidity and cruelty reveals everything! You're the Dred Pirate Rodimus, admit it!" 

Bowing, the man in blue said, "With pride! What can I do for you?" 

Lina glared at him with such ferocity that he backed up a step. "You can die a thousand deaths and rot in hell," she said coldly through gritted teeth. 

"Hold it," the Dred Pirate Rodimus said, holding his hands in front of him defensively. "Why're you so ticked off at me?" he asked. 

After pushing herself away from the rock, Lina looked straight into the pirate's eyes. "You killed him," she hissed. 

"Killed who?" the Dred Pirate asked. "I think I killed a lot of people." 

Lina flopped down on the ground and leaned against the big rock behind her. "You attacked his ship, and you never take survivors." 

The Dred Pirate Rodimus shrugged, and said, "I can't afford to let anyone live. After it gets out that you've gone soft, it's all work!" There was a moment of uncomfortable silence before the Dred Pirate asked, "So was this man another prince, like this one?" 

"No!" Lina shouted, her eyes filling with tears at the memory. "He was a farm boy. Poor and stupid. Poor and stupid... and perfect." She gazed off over the sky blankly, remembering his face, his every feature. 

Again, there was silence. Then, "I think I remember this farm boy of yours," the Dred Pirate said. "This would be, what, five years ago? Gourry was his name?" Lina nodded sadly at the mention of his name. "Yes... Well, I tell you one thing, he died honorably. No beggin or anything like that. I-- He just said, 'Please. Please, I need to live.'" The Dred Pirate sat down and leaned against a log, crossing his ankles and putting his hands behind his head. "I remember the please. I asked him why he needed to live, and he told me it was for true love. Then he talked about a girl of short stature, development, and temper--" 

"He said that?" Lina demanded angrily, her hands tightening into fists. 

"But undeniable beauty," the Dred Pirate Rodimus went on. "And loyalty." 

Lina blushed. "Beauty?" 

"Loyalty, he spoke of, your highness," the pirate said sharply, his voice hard as steel. "Your undying loyalty. Now tell me, did you get engaged to your prince that same day, or did you wait a whole week out of respect?" Suddenly, he stood up, and saw the Prince's horses heading towards them. 

"I died that day!" Lina shouted at him, tears flowing down her cheeks. "And you can die, too." She stood up, and shouted, "Diem Wing!" 

The Dred Pirate Rodimus was blown away, and down the edge of an extremely steep hill. He started rolling, and call out, "Whatever you say!" between bumps. 

That phrase registered strongly in Lina's memory. Gourry used to say that. All the time he would say that. It had really meant "I love you." Wait! She thought back in her memory. She drew up a mental image of the Dred Pirate's face, and compared it to that of Gourry's, which was still vivid in her mind despite the five years since she had seen him. She mentally took the mask off of the picture of Dred Pirate Rodimus, and gasped. 

"Gourry!" she cried out. her throat tightened up, and she looked down. Gourry was sprawled on the ground at the base of the hill in a small ravine. "Ray Wing!" she shouted, and flew over there as quickly as her magic would let her. She landed on the ground right next to him. "Gourry!" she shouted, shaking his shoulder. 

Slowly, Gourry's eyes opened. He smiled up at her. "Lina. I'm sorry. But... Why didn't you wait for me?" he asked curiously. 

Lina reached over him, and took his mask off, revealing the face she knew so well. "You-- You were dead," she told him. 

Gourry sat up, and stared into her red eyes. "Death can't stop love, Lina," he said matter-of-factly. "All it can do is delay it for a while." He smiled widely up at her, his eyes twinkling. 

"I won't ever doubt that again," Lina told him quietly. 

"You'll never have a need," Gourry whispered back. Somehow, their faces were now only inches apart. They both leaned forward slightly, and kissed the other full on the lips. Lina's arms came up around Gourry's neck, and-- 

.~*~. 

"Hold it!" Phibby shouted. "No kissing! PLEASE! No kissing!" 

L-sama glared at him, and said, "It's punishment!" 

"PLE-E-E-EASE!!!!!!!" Phibby screamed. "NO KISSING! PLEEEEEASE!" He kept whinig and crying like this for a few more minutes before L-sama got fed up. 

"All right!" she shouted. "If you shut up, then I'll skip over the mush!" 

Phibby sighed, eternally grateful, and said, "Thank you!" 

L-sama cleared her throat, and went on, "_They ran down the ravine, hand in hand, towards the Gassy Swamp..._" 


	11. Uh-oh! We're in Trouble!

_Ooh... Gassy Swamp? I wonder... Possibilities, possibilities! ^_^ _

"Ha!" Gourry shouted, stopping to look up at the edge of the ravine where about twenty horses stood, outlined against the sunlight. "The stupid prince guy is too late! We're almost into the Gassy Swamp!" Then he took off at a run again, straight towards a curtain of vines that hung over the entrance to the swamp. 

"Gourry," Lina said. "We'll never get out alive! It's the Gassy Swamp, idiot!" 

Gourry shrugged, and said, "You're only saying never 'cause no one ever has!" Then he grinned, and kept charging forward. 

.~*~. 

Prince Zolf and his troops looked down into the ravine and saw Lina and Gourry run along it and through the vines. "Unless I'm wrong," he said. "And I'm never wrong... They are headed right into the Gassy Swamp." 

"We'll circle around and meet them on the other side," Count Zangulus said from behind the Prince. 

Prince Zolf nodded, and he and his guards took off, towards the end of the swamp. 


	12. Journey into the Gassy Swamp

_Now you find out what I did with the Gassy Swamp! Remember the three perils of the Fire Swamp? Fire blower-upper thingies, Lightning Sand, and rodentsof unusualy size. Now, change that to Gassy Swamp, and try to figure out what you'll get ^_^_

"Our ship was attacked by the Dred Pirate Rodimus," Gourry told her as they tramped through the Gassy Swamp. He drew his sword, and started hacking away at vines blocking the trail. "And what I told you about my saying please was true. The pirate guy was surprised, and kept me onboard at a deck hand. For a long time, he would always say, 'Good work Gourry, I'll probably kill you in the morning.'" He chopped down a huge vine stretched acrossthe trail. "He said that for probably five years. Then he took me to his cabin, and told me something strange, and I still don't think I understand it." 

"What'd he say?" Lina asked, hoping the jellyfish remembered. 

"He said," Gourry started. "He said, 'I am not the Dred Pirate Rodimus.'" The vines started to clear away a bit, so he put his sword away. 

Lina frowned at him. "Are you sure? The Dred Pirate Rodimus has been around here for twenty years!" she said. 

"Like I said, I still don't really get it. But I think the thing is, the guy who I thought was the Dred Pirate Rodimus inherited the title from another guy, who wasn't the real pirate either. And the guy he got it from wasn't the real Dred Pirate either. As a matter of fact, according to the guy, Rodimus retired twenty years ago and's living like a king," Gourry told her. 

"Really?" Lina asked. "Wow. Talk about a big conspiracy." 

"So," Gourry went on. "We docked in, and got a whole new crew. The guy stayed on as first mate, calling me Rodimus all the time, 'till the crew all knew me as the Dred Pirate Rodimus." 

Lina nodded, and said, "I suppose it's the name that counts." She smiled. "I doubt anyone would surrender to the Dred Pirate Gourry." 

Gourry laughed, and pushed past a curtain of vines, Lina right behind him. Suddenly, from somewhere around them, they heard a strange sqeaking noise. Gourry half-drew his sword, and looked around urgently. When nothing leaped out at them, he relaxed. 

It was just then that a geyser of green gas billowed up from the ground right in front of where Lina was standing. Lina staggered backwards, coughing awfully, one hand over her mouth, the other around her stomache. 

"What is it, Lina?" Gourry asked her concernedly. 

Lina pointed at where the geyser was, still coughing, and said, "That stuff--" cough "--reeks!" 

Gourry sniffed at the air, and grimaced. It smelled worse than rotten eggs, mixed with mayonaise kept in the summer heat for a week. He coughed a few times, and said, "Maybe that's why they call this the Gassy Swamp?" 

"You think?" Lina asked sarastically. Her coughing eased up, and she stood up again. 

"So," Gourry said after they had walked a bit. "Could you explain the whole Dred Pirate thing over to me? I can't make any sense of it!" 

Lina rolled her eyes, and refrained from kicking him. She instead walked in front of him along the faint trail. After only three steps, she fell through the ground into a deep pit of Flash Sand. Flash Sand acted in much the same way quick sand did, except it used air instead of water, and was much, much faster. 

Gourry stared. One minute Lina had been there, the next she was gone. He looked at the ground, and saw that one patch of earth was different that the rest. He looked around urgently. He grabbed a thick vine, and steeled himself for what he was about to do. He took a deep breath, held it, and dove in after Lina. 

The vine went taut. There was still no sign of Gourry or Lina. Just past the Flash Sand pit went a huge frog. It was about two feet tall and nearly twice as wide, and bright pink with purple spots. It hopped out of sight, and around a corner. 

Suddenly, Gourry burst out of the Flash Sand, using the vine as a rope to pull himself out. Lina held onto him around his neck, clinging to him tightly. When they emerged, they started coughing from their lack of breath, and from the smell of the Flash Sand. 

Gourry dragged them away from the pit, and they collapsed onto steady ground. Gourry held Lina against his chest, both of them breathing deeply. They were covered from head to foot in very clingy sand. 

"Lina," Gourry gasped. "Are... you... Okay?" 

Lina nodded, and said between breaths, "Fine... You?" 

"Great," Gourry said. 

Lina let herself relax against Gourry's chest. "We're not going to make it out alive," she said, shaking her head. 

Gourry stroked her hair, and said, "Sure we are. What are the three dangers of the Gassy Swamp?" 

"The Gas Geysers," Lina told him. 

"No problem," Gourry said. "They squeak before they erupt." 

Lina nodded, and said, "The Flash Sand." 

Gourry smiled, and said, "You found out what that looks like, and now we can avoid that too!" 

"Well," Lina said. She reluctantly pushed herself to her knees. "What about the F.O.U.S's?" 

"Huh?" Gourry asked, sitting up as well. 

Lina looked at him, and said, "The Frogs of Unusual Smells!" 

"Oh, those," Gourry said. He shook his head, and told her, "I don't think they exist." 

Just as he said that, something huge and pink jumped down on him from above, knocking him backwards. Gourry gasped, and tried to shove it off, but its skin was slimy and his hands just slipped off. The huge pink something was one of the non-existant Frogs of Unusual Smells. 

"Gourry!" Lina shouted. She held her hands up to throw a spell, but then stopped. She would hit Gourry if she tried anything. Cursing, she drew her sword and waited for a chance to attack. 

The frog suddenly opened its mouth, and a reeking odor wafted over Gourry's face. "FAUGH!" he shouted, closing his eyes and turning his head. The frog then lifted a webbed forefoot, and talons flew out. The talons came down sharply, tearing Gourry's shoulder. 

Gourry shouted in pain, and wrestled the frog away from him. He reached for his sword, but the frog bowled him over again before he could grab it. To his right, he saw the pit of Flash Sand, and he got a sudden strike of genius (Gourry Genius Mode). He rolled over and over, taking the huge frog with him. He turned a final time, and gripped the edges of the pit, face-down. He was suspended over the sand with his hands and legs on the solid ground, but the frog fell off and into the pit. 

"Lina!" Gourry called out. "A little help!" He said this because he realized that in his position, he couldn't move without falling into the Flash Sand pit. 

He heard Lina's footsteps from behind him, and felt her grab the back of his shirt. She pulled him up, and he collapsed against her, leaning on her for support. His shoulder burned fiercely, and he felt as though he couldn't move that arm. 

"Gourry," Lina said, holding him up with a hand on his shoulder and another on his chest. "Are you okay?" 

Gourry nodded, and said, "Yeah... Fine... Never been better." He forced himself to stand on his own, and said, "Come on. I think we're almost out now." 


End file.
